Aaagh! We're all going to die! Or maybe not.

Aren’t these “precautions” against bird flu just a case of “arse covering”? A dead swan with bird flu (as yet exact strain unconfirmed” has been found in Scotland. Apparently the EU procedure is to set up a 1.9 mile (the UK hasn’t converted to kilometres yet and, hopefully, won’t) protection zone where people are supposed to keep their birds indoors and a 6.2 mile (49.7 furlong) surveillance zone. What is this supposed to achieve?

Surely the swan came from further afield – somewhere where the flu is already established. And it probably didn’t come alone. Other infected birds must be elsewhere in the UK or on their way and will land outside the zone. Or maybe they expect the flu to turn the dead swan into a zombie that will only be able to strut two miles or so?

Don’t swans and other birds die all the time? Surely, they’re not all found and tested. There could be poisonous pigeons and toxic tits all over the place! Surely, if there really is a way of protecting birds, they would all need locking up now (or several weeks ago) anywhere that migrating wild birds from infected areas may visit. But this sounds incredibly impractical. I think it’s heading worldwide and the overlords are just making the right noises so that when it’s established they can say, “we followed all the advice at the time so it’s not our fault.”

Perhaps we should start adding Beecham’s powders to the chicken feed now.